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Somewhere in the echo

2013-04-15

Here I End Where I Begin

Posted by thedeadwholives in Be temos

Here I end where I begin. Here I am again left alone with empty hands. With a loss of heartbeat. With this pain in my chest. With this burden on my shoulders that drags me to the ground. That makes me feel hopeless and not worth trying. Was I really not worth trying? Was it so bad… Was my love something that’s not enough? I didn’t ask for tones of happiness. I didn’t ask for roses or chocolate. I didn’t ask for perfection. All I asked for was your love. All I wanted was you. With all your stupid flaws. With all the hurt and tears. With smiles and sad faces. With your arrogance and imperfection. With your hatred for the world and your needs to hurt me. I loved you all the way you were. Maybe it’s because I love people that hurt me… Maybe. It’s very possible. I have this need for pain. Whether physical or mental. And you fulfilled it in a sense. You made me feel whole. Just because it wasn’t only pain. There were butterflies, smiles and sincere laugh. There were you and me. I was yours and you were mine. Does it make me a bad person if I think that there’s no other woman in the whole world that could accept you the way you are more than I did. That could put up with your strangeness better than I did. There’s no woman who could love you more than I do. I’m not selfish. I understand you have your life. Your needs. Your feelings. That you care for yourself more than you care for me. I didn’t mind that, I never did. It means nothing to me if only you’re here, but the point is you stopped wanting me the way you used to. I know that if we started again, some things would be different. I would be different. Because these three days have done their impact on me. Whether negative or positive. You tell me to hold on, but the fact is that I can’t. I try. I try so fuckin hard, but I’m not able to forget you for even five minutes. Those thoughts in my head are driving me nuts and all this shit is bringing me to the ledge.

Love me like a heart beat
With your long hair and your cold feet
Hold me like its easy
My heart won’t break if you need me
Your love is for a beggar
Empty hands is all I’ve ever had

Today when we were walking all that I could think about was „Please… I beg you. More than I have ever begged anyone… I love you… I need your presence like air. I need you touch like water. You‘re the part of me and since you‘re gone, I‘m no longer whole. Please, I beg you, don‘t go away…“ But you couldn‘t read my thoughts. You couldn‘t feel what was there inside of me. And I suppose I‘m glad you couldn‘t. You would be killed inside if you have felt what I felt. You have those stupid thoughts in your head. Declarations that you have put there by yourself. By your silly negotiations with your mind. They‘re wrong. They are all wrong. And we could make this all right. If only you wanted me. If only you considered me worth your efforts. Please, don‘t choose the easiest way. If you love me…I know you will be here…
And now I‘m here alone in this fuckin room with all the pictures on the walls, staring at them and bleeding out. And just wanting this all to end. But it won‘t. Cause life‘s not like that and karma may be a bitch, but we can‘t blame her for what has happened to us. Only we are the creators of our story. And all I wanna do is rewrite it…
You took my days with you, you took my nights with you, you took my dreams with you. Why do you torture us if we could feel complete again… I‘m nothing without you.

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