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Somewhere in the echo

2013-03-21

Smash my head in to the wall…please?..

Posted by thedeadwholives in Be temos  Tagged

Okay. So I started considering myself a bad person. For real. Why? Oh, in spite of the fact that I am a liar, I fake a lot of things, I break things, I can make people hurt and cry, I can as well hurt the ones I love. And I think this is just one of those times. I haven’t done anything bad. Yet. Physically. And I’m not even considering doing anything. So…it isn’t the best time for anybody new, but I just… I always f*ck the things up. And I am afraid of doing the same thing again. What I do know for sure – I love my boy. I love him so much, sometimes it hurts. I put up with all his flaws and I am happy with who he is. But there is one other man. I am not doing anything. Anything bad. Just from time to time he runs through my head like a shadow. What’s more, this man is going to be a friend of my boy, and if so, I will have to see him more often. But does this make me a bad person if I have a small attraction to him? I would never replace my boy with that man, never. It’s just that sometimes when I start to think about him, I imagine things. Not the good ones. But I shake them off and get them out of my mind. For a while. But they come back. I feel so bad and guilty, everyone started to notice how sad I sometimes am. But when they ask me what’s wrong, I just put on a smile and tell them: “nothing, I’m fine. Why would I be sad? I’m happy as hell!”. But the truth is…I am not. I have a strong and angry conscience that makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. Then I start thinking that maybe I really am a monster. But what I do know, I would never cheat on someone I truly love. So I have some confidence in me that nothing’s wrong going to happen to us. I mean…I don’t care if that man is the most perfect guy in the world. He’s not my boy. And now the funny part. One of my best friends, who also has a boyfriend, a long-lasting relationship, has as well started to think about the other man. She loves her boyfriend a lot, but she feels just like I do. The truth is…we are humans. And as long as we are alive, we will always get attractions to other people. It doesn’t matter if we notice them and dream of them. What does matter is that we don’t turn those dreams to reality because we love our loved-ones too much. Sometimes it is a must to leave some dreams for day-dreaming and never even try to turn them to reality. Either way, I hope I will make this through.

TheDeadWhoLives

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